tw: complex mental health, death
I think maybe artists stay mysterious and refuse articulating their selfhoods to prevent vulnerability hangover. The minute you have the impulse to gauge yourself, to assess and appraise what you create, what you express, you leave yourself open to oblique critique of your articulation rather than earnest critique of the work itself. Egos work harder in the re-articulation. Egos lose more in the re-articulation. Egos stay parallel to enigma. Maybe that's why they do it. I don't know where on the spectrum I am.
Endings are not catastrophes.
Believe in yourself.
During PMDD, it's so easy to attach mood with circumstance. There's so much to despise about yourself and your situation. So the cycle is easily fuelled. I don't know what needs to be remembered here. Except that you've survived PMDD before and you will again. You're not what your brain tells you you are. What you are is tired, irritable, and stressed.
All of this will feel much less life or death in a few days.
Take a bigger dose of meds
Believe in yourself
I don't like endings. I'm not cool about any of it.
They say endings help create meaning. They tell you the shape of where you've been and what's important.
What if in the process of waiting for an ending to make the meaning, I sink my time into endless meaninglessness.
What if in the process of waiting for an ending that will never come, I miss the endings that do.
And have regret follow and haunt me for all of time.
I don't like endings. It's not cool.
You are very loved.
There is no wrong answer.
Careful how you manage your energy. You have 2 hours max of leadership, counselling, or mentorship a day. Use it wisely.
You don't need to hate yourself. a) There is nothing to hate, b) it doesn't feel very good, c) it does nothing. It gives you no opportunity to learn or grow.
Protect your time.
All of it is possible. It's all possible.
Time continues to time.
Making work despite the protestations of material reality.
I protect as though sacred.
How did I find myself in the guts and bowels of industrial bullshit, ameliorating broken systems to have a happier face without protecting my own.
Now is when I fiercely protect.
The space to be and be and be.
And breathe and breathe and breathe.
That which is important will become undeniable. Trust this.
Tired from screaming
Tired of screaming
Tired that screaming
Tried to scream and
Tried to dream and
Tired, I dream, and I dream, and I dream and I dream.
You are resilient and safe.
I love that I get to be in love, that I get to fill my cup, that I get to rest in her eyes, take solace in her smile.
Your are your own leader.
Whatever you're afraid of probably isn't real.
Shakespeare's fucken cool.
So is Hi-5.
Continue to create.
Bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed
Is ground is good.
Organise my life
Given the satisfying dramaturgy of the week in its unexpected fulfilment of needs vs wants, I pause to consider the compelling nature of Western dramatic form.
But only for a moment.
For now gratitude.
For now fullness.
For now sleep.
You can do the thing.
Have a weekend.
Processing too many things at once which are unpublishable.
Suddenly sensitive to energetics
Resistances and resonances
I never knew what people meant by this before
But I'm starting to make clear the fog
You are a nucleus
Be brave despite discomfort
The inhibitionlessness of sleeplessness
Who knows what well-rested you
Your body will be here when you return.
Neuroplasticity is indeed possible after you turn 30
So is pushing yourself through fear
So is finding that chord
So is finding your tell
So is trusting
So is pride
So is life
All of the above.
As all of the below.
Ask questions. Lots of questions. Mmm, questions.
I contemplated non-existence early in the morning
And the thought pulsed through my chest as though it itself was going to kill me.
I contemplated non-existence and gave myself a panic attack.
I contemplated the inevitability of non-existence and -
I drenched myself in self-hatred - in abject terrors and failures
I drenched myself in self-loathing and now I sit in the sick of my own tiresome existence.
I spoke to myself in harsh words
I led myself to corners dark
I contemplated non-existence early in the evening and I wanted very much to drown.
You are loved. I know you don't believe it but I'll say it anyway in the hopes that it'll sink deeper into your skull this time.
Try to sleep this time.
Would you rather
Presence, presence, presence, presence,
You are capable of making sound decisions
You are capable of following through with said sound decisions
Try to rest a little. If not sleep, at least rest. If not rest, at least try.
A friend told me once that as much as I feel I'm on the outside, I'm also a nucleus.
I experimented with the thought today.
Still processing results.
More data required.
The flow is okay. At least in the short term. More data required for long term analysis.
Resist the urge to shrink.
Up down up down up down up up down up down up
Contentment, trepidation, generosity, disappointment, curiosity, fear, assuredness, love, dread, laughter, need, delight
(January February March April May June July August September October November December)
Dysregulation, Mercury Retrograde, or radical honesty?
Creative delight can come from anywhere
Creative delight can dissapate lingering moods
Creative delight is what you live for
Practice gratitude and appreciation for the time you have alone.
For the first time in a while I am observing that I am able to hold myself. There's a grief in it. I suppose I imagine an unpleasant change where perhaps there is none. A painful letting go where perhaps there doesn't need to be. I used to be in the practice of articulating my self for the purpose of applications. I have no such practice now. To attempt it would be awkward and performative. But I wonder a little how future me would articulate their selves.
You are able to flow towards your goals. You can be both.
I observe a dichotomy between a self that goes with the flow of things and a self that needs to strive and conserve.
The spender and the saver, the follower and the leader, the hunter and the gatherer.
It's a psychic break that occurs at literal doorways.
I've learned to privilege both at different times. To denigrate the other. Today I acknowledge both. Both are me.
Today I tried to go on an educational adventure through consumerist capitalism. It's supposed to help with self-confidence. Whatever confidence I gain in my self-image, I may have lost in my self-control.
When you breathe, the breath and space of the world becomes clearer.
Set up a routine for computer-based errands
Set up a 1 hour writing routine
What's the difference between hyperfocus and dissociation.
Didn't do what I intended.
Never do what I intended.
What's the difference between attention to the present and betrayal to the past.
The strangeness of the ADHD brain wherein some strand of time is always ticking beneath the surface, completely unbeknowst to you. Overgrowing in place. And as one strand of time emerges, another submerges for what feels like minutes but could easily be days, weeks, months, years. I feel as though I miss out on 90% of my own life at all times. And that days of full and complete presence are never enough.
You love your life. You must do. Otherwise the passing of time wouldn't hurt so much.
Rest is not a betrayal. Tiredness is a door to a reality that needs to be felt and understood by your overambitious child self. You are human.
Rest. Enjoy the day.
A strange day. Dead rabbits. Broken brains. Sacrificing to write. Needing to write. Naysaying.
The familiar urge to check out. And check out. And check out. And check out.
Where Pluto is is where your survival instincts kick in.
Where Chiron is is where it hurts.
Can you please decide who you are, please?
Too many expectations for a Mercury retrograde.
What happens if I surround myself only with those who support me.
Even after the major changes, you still need to honour the minor ones
Commit to yourself. You know who you are.
How to lose it in 10 lines:
A person walks into a space
So normal that she begins to watch the normalcy
Like watching a film set in a universe in which she (obviously) does not exist
But there's no one beside her, sitting in old underwear, eating popcorn and laughing at the happenings on the screen
So she watches, looking for other observers
Finding none she panics
She's trapped in the film
In which she does not exist
And normalcy continues to ensue
The ego dies when washing dishes
Exposure is okay
Time passes at breakneck speed and you can't beat it. So join it.
Day 2: Yoga and walk
Careful your intentions.
Things take as least as long as the time that is allocated, tasks take on the shape of their container.
Presence is a lovely mood altering substance.
You are safe and okay.
Writing time is sacred. It too will take on the shape of its container.
I am too okay too quickly
So okay it's not okay
And now I'm in free fall
Einstein says this is our natural state.
Remember the earth. Its force is what keeps you from the sensation of falling.
Remember it is just a sensation. You are here and haven't gone anywhere.
Switched up the environment.
Accessed four (4) supports.
The peace of upkeep.
You have support.
Count your supporters at the end of each day. Be surprised. Practise gratitude.
On the advent of the period:
"Cleaning is fun. Why don't I clean more? Oh yeah, executive dysfunction."
"Why don't I sing and play the piano more? Oh yeah, abject terror."
"What the hell is narcotising dysfuction?"
"Huh, that's weird. Seems I have dropped 321 balls."
"Oh, that's odd. Seems I developed 321 physical symptoms that I haven't noticed until now."
"Dear God, I don't want to be sick. I have been looking forward to this month too long."
"Dear God, please don't let me die. I have too much to live for. "
The intensity always passes.
There is a lot to live for.
X Write a PMDD management plan and a crisis plan document
X Interact with 4 people
X Find glasses
X Successfully vent frustrations
Feeling more rubbish than death. Progress. Thanks meds.
I am doing a lot of wanting.
Feeling deserving of the wanting.
I didn't send the message. I didn't write the songs.
Therefore deserving of the wanting.
But I am not in want of anything.
I am loved.
Feeling loved is an active choice. Sometimes you feel most loved by others when you are presently in solitude. When you decide to deliver the words to your heart. And you cry, mourning the gap between the sending and receiving.
There is no one cult or doctrine whose strict obeyance will heal you. Believing there is one is a signal for you to begin to lead yourself.
Take your meds.
Trust the process.
30 minutes of screaming
3 hours of crying
3 hours of Drag Race
2 hours of Tik Tok
12 hours of dread. The feeling of being passed slowly through a meat mincer. Shreddedness.
Better if dead, at least then can provide nutrition to maggots, worms, fungi.
Better if dead, at least then no excess resources - electricity, food, taxpayer funded services - ought to be spent from an already dying planet.
that there is love and support waiting for you at the end of the day in the form of silly dances and silly faces
that if this is how you feel >25% of the year, the expectation to function at the same level as others is absurd
Practice gratitude. Today I am grateful for tenderness and amongst other things.
Eat, rest, sleep.
Sort through notes from your psych.