- Sep 6, 2022

process dailies

tw: complex mental health, death

#80 (E)

Hoping like heck neuroplasticity is a thing after turning 30. Practising piano. Otherwise feeling sad and guilty.

Grateful for: guidance. Even if I don't know where theyre leading me.

#79 (D)

Something like Day 96.

Unure about anything. Feeling very sludgy in my body. Trapped. Sedentary. Triggered. I am perpetually pre-overhaul. I suppose that's what this entire process diary was supposed to be about in the first place. Finally overhauling everything I had planned for years to overhaul. And I feel like I've never made progress. I feel like forwards is an illusion. Like I'm perpetually retrograde. I know that's a feeling. I know things are spirallic. But damn, like I reckon I've been in the dark side of the rotation for a while. Just shadowed. Lurking. Every time I think there's an answer it turns out not to be the answer.

Creative tasks: You bashed out a song. You made a silly TikTok.

Insights: A narratvive you need to start clocking: "This could be my ticket." It's not. It never is. You don't need a ticket where you're going because you're already here.

Actions: Please stop scrolling.

Grateful for: John Farnham

#78 (E)

I've neglected my process notes for a while. I may be onto something like Day 94. Things are becoming gnarlier. I can no longer count on myseflf to hold composure. My body, mind, and circumstances are all screaming. I'm sure if one of those things felt in some way looked after, it wouldn't feel so horrendous but it does. It feels entirely horrendous. I can't get the order of simple things right. I'm living entirely in a Room and a Screen. Reality curves and bends around me. My connection to the world is skewed by projected images. What did we connect for in the first place if not to run away from our inherent meaninglessness and imminent oblivion.

I think I suffer from some kind of love deficit. If I could just love as much as I feel I need to be loved then we wouldn't be here. Endlessly scrolling. full knowing there is nothing here for me. The emptiness upsets me but does not surprise me.

But I wrote a one minute song in the middle of the night so that's research I guess.

Grateful for: care, hugs, letting the fuck go,

#77 (D)

Creative tasks: none

Feelings: Calm, irritated, low energy, dopamine hungry

Insights: Ritalin works. Without it you're grasping and gasping for dopamine in a way that's noticeable. Getting dopamine is not the same as being creative.

grateful for: perspective, some semblance of self-efficacy.

Just processing whether or not I want to be outside or not. I know I'm expecting myself to be outside. I know the thought of going outside is super uncomfortable. But is it scary? And do I want to go outside enough to face the fear? Is it enough to have an audience on the inside? Is it enough to know you're doing what you can for your family and not 'living your best life' in the way people your age tend to want to express that? Is it your Aquarian streak to do something and want something different or is it your Plutonian fear and shame?

#76 (C)

Creative tasks: made a tiktok

Feelings: Calm, fine, a bit depresed, low energy, generally okay

insights: You can handle things

Grateful for: television, sour cream

#75 (B)

Creative tasks: practised an arrangement, worked on notation

feelings: depresso, anxious, level, confused

insights: ssleep deprivation and rumination are a codependent pair

grateful for: support

#74 (A)

Starting a new phase

Creative tasks: wrote a song, started notation

Today I understood that I'm deep in process. I had a moment of frustration at the outside world not meeting my creativity and vice versa. But this is okay. I'm deep in process. I'm in the cocoon still. I'm conserving and preserving. I'm in generativity for the sake of generating. I'm only now tapping into my actual voice.

Feelings: anxiety, frustration, confusion, bitterness, calm.

Insights: I'm unskilled at playing melody lines by ear but after 10 minutes of it it becomes more intuitive.

Grateful for: sun, insight

#73 xxi

Missed a third, fourth and fifth day so it's the 78th day but the 73rd note.

Creative tasks: none

Feelings: blankness, mild confusion and resentment, discomfort

Reminders: You can do anything

Actions: Sleep. Take every liberty with sunshine

Grateful for: kindness

#72 xx

Creative tasks: hummed a bit

Feelings: panic, sadness, bitterness, depression, listlessness, numbness, excitability

Reminders: the anser is in the present moment

Actions: Sleep, cultivate presence

Grateful for: universe, ancestors, holding

#71 xix

Creative tasks: scratched out some lyrics

Feelings: panic, appreciation, panic, gratitutde, panic, calm, panic, sadness

Reminders: laughter is always available, creativity is always available, but sadness is sometimes necessary

Actions: Sleep

Grateful for: friends, my body, blue sky

#70 xviii

Missed a second day, so it's the 72nd day but the 70th note.

Creative tasks: Sweet fuck all. Oh, took a photo of myself which became fun when it got creative. And getting creative in the kitchen,

Feelings: calm, nervous, flow.

Reminders: Loving myself is attending to myself.

Actions; Sleep.

Grateful for: that which is minimal and meaningful

#69 xvii

Creative tasks: made a tiktok

Feelings: calm, contented, upset, guilty, anxious, attached, panicked, death.

Reminders: When ou think it's death it isn't.

Actions: Sleep

Grateful for: my loved ones

#68 xvi

Creative tasks: Sort of vaguely wrote.

Feelings: calm, peaceful, anxiety, overwhelm, confusion

Reminders: You are doing remarkably well.

Actions: Refresh.

Grateful for: the ability to move towards contentment, a growing awareness of myself.

#67 xv

Creative tasks: none. But I cooked a lot.

Feelings: Calm, contentment, after being irritated at the yoga instruction and the 'shoulds', it seems the intention panned out okay.

Reminders: You are lovable.

Actions: Sleep. Restore.

Grateful for: peace, space, food as nourishment.

#66 xiv

Creative tasks: none. I but did a bunch of enrichment stuff. also panicking and staving off panic.

Feelings: panic, calm, gratitude, panic, confusion, calm, panic, joy, anxiety.

Reminders: the quality of the brief time you have on the planet is not determined by how many days in a week you went outside.

Actions: Sleep. Heal.

Grateful for: chats, games, my own capacity for love, time to heal, hugs.

Today was proof I can survive through panic.

#65 xiii

Creative tasks: came up with concept and wrote opening monologue

Warm up: taking a shower

Feelings: wired, flow, grief, some pride

Reminders: you're not as disconnected from source as you think you are

Actions: Sleep. Recover.

Grateful for: cooking for, to be a refuge for a hurting human, channeling

#64 xii

Creative tasks: Wrote rest of song.

Warm up: oh just hot rage

Feelings. sensory discomfort, wiredness, trust

Reminders: You are not defined by others' projections of you

Actions: Sleep. Make.

#63 xi

Creative tasks: played piano and sang. Shares it. Wrote end of another song. Stayed present with feelings and cried.

Warm up: 1 - deciding joy2 - doing dishes and contemplating something from the day.

Feelings: lots

Reminders: your personhood is under here somewhere. The person who's grounded and kind.

Actions: sleep

#62 x

creative tasks: rehearsed and filmed a song

what was the warm up: lifting up out of a fight with myself about forcing myslef to do things. slowly walking to the piano in the meantime.

feelings: exposed, confused, bitter, flow, second guessing, fear

reminders: nont of it matters.

actions: ask your heart's desire.

I think I lost my reverence for art. I used to look to it for guidance. I used to pore ofver literature as if it held the keys to the home we've all abandoned. But in the age of inexpensive insta philosophy. And in my vague attempts at art which come from places of deep insecurity - not grounded wisdom - I find myself projecting onto the art I used to revere and end up spiritually lost. If religion has lost my allegiance and art has lost my reverence, I'm in search of another north.

#61 ix

creative tasks: wrote a song

what was the warm up: have an abrupt change of mood and wanting to document it.

feelings: pressure, energy, up, fear

reminders: harmless errors don't need to be remembered

actions: listen to your body

joy? reading joy book, laughing during class

#60 viii

creative tasks: nil points

feelings: energy, low energy, calm, flow

reminders: low energy doesn't mean sad, the joy is in the cooking

actions: read the book

#59 vii

creative tasks: made a tiktok

feelings: when I tried to forcemyself to do it there was such a visceral no. Small child was yelling no. Also insomnia, tiredness, just rough.

What was the warm up: lots of thrashing the brain before finally just rolling with an idea just for no reason.

Reminders: you're the only person who can validate yourself.

Actions: take care of the small child.

#58 vi

No output but lots of inspiration and guidance. grateful for the guidance. Of all kinds.

Feelings: all the feelings.

Reminders: it's okay to let go.

Actions: rest

#57 v

Nil point on creativity.

Ready to break that drought.

The internet doesn't want me to write anything so I'm sign off.

reminders: you're okay.

Actions: be with your body.

#56 iv

Nil point again on creativity. Progress on behaviour. Chose strategies. Chose delay.

Reminders: All of it is manageable. But life is more than managing. Find whatever that more is.

Actions: Choose the action.

#55 iii

Nil point again on the creativity. But making some progress on wellbeing. Chose the behaviour and interrupted the voices that said the choice was wrong because of x evidence. X happened but X isn't evidence that the choice is wrong.

Reminders: You are your own proof.

Actions: Choose the action and breathe through the consequence.

#54 ii

Nil point on the creativity.

Spent the morning irritable through a long routine.

I keep pushing tasks aside.

I'm reflecting but not reflecting.

Reminders: Your solace is important.

Actions: Write that strategy thing.

#53 i

New cycle. New environment.

Stress. Freeze. Fatigue.

Help.

Attending to your own nervous system.

Building your capacity.

It's okay.

It's all okay.

Reminders: It's okay to feel things on your own.

Actions: Sleep.

#52

Creative tasks: Nothing. I bailed on creativity today.

Feelings: Awful. Self-hatred. Abject loneliness.

Reminders: It's okay to feel things on your own. You're not lonely, you're just impatient.

Actions: Sleep.

#51

Creative tasks: Started writing a song.

What was the warm up: multiple breakdowns, falling the fuck apart, rage.

Feelings: awful. Writing eased the pressure a bit but mostly just awful. Very self-critical.

Reminders: Trust yourself.

Actions: sleep

#50

Creative tasks: Vaguely tinkering with some lyrics. Attempting to detach my made up idea of creativity from my made up idea of success.

What was the warm up? Listening to surprisingly unimpressive music and walking home and humming.

Feelings: Tiredness, dissociation, bursts of energy, vague good feeling.

Reminders: Your creativity is innately valuable.

Actions: Sleep.

#49

Creative tasks: Starting writing a song. Finished charting another song.

What was the warm up? Processing some very scary emotions.

Feelings: grief, fear, sadness, need, helplessness, guilt, despondence, anger. Lots of anger.

Reminders: You're fundamentally okay, loved, and held.

Actions: Sleep.

#48

Creative tasks: Nothing really. Putting things together.

Feelings: between 60% to 80%. Managing.

Reminders: Just do. No try.

Actions: Sleep. Believe.

#49

Creative tasks: rewrote and laid down a song, laid down yesterday's song. Made a strange supercut on the train.

What was the warm up? Total insomnia. Needing to just get the thing down.

Feelings: Completely knackered. A little laser focused. A little irritable. A little grateful.

Reminders: You don't need the audience to motivate you.

Actions: Sleep. Centre yourself.

#48

Creative tasks: finished updating lyrics. Started to lay down new piano for another song.

What was the warm up? Letting myself sleep as long as I need.

Feelings: A bit more centred. A freeze response halfway through the day. Then low energy. Lying down.

Reminders: Slap your legs when you freeze. Jump up and down. See what happens.

Actions: Make plans to meet people outside.

#47

Creative tasks: starting to update lyrics of a topical song. Spending time with my love. Talking through art.

What was the warm up? WhatsApp conversations and train rides.

Feelings: Less alone. More grounded (at least in ths reality. I'm sure there are other realities I'm neglecting and compartmentalising). Capable.

Reminders: Saturn is stationing direct. Everything is temporary.

Actions: Sleep! Let be. Create.

#46

Creative tasks: day 3 of song. Tweaked piano, re-recorded vox. Sharing with 2 more people.

What was the warm up? I didn't sleep. Song was one of the preoccupations. That and job.

Feelings: Alone for a while. Alone with what I think are big things that could create or destroy everything. But then a very small but important piece of community.

Reminders; Let the art heal you. You can hold both.

Actions: Sleep. Allow.

#45

Creative tasks: day 2 of writing song. Laid out piano. Changed half the lyrics.

What was the warm up? Finishing routine. And distracting myself from more uncomfortable feelings.

Feelings: Freaked out. Frozen. Then when it was laid out and sent some relief, some gratitude, some awe. Got way too many angel numbers playing it back. Trying not to associate it with any material promise.

Reminders: You can be okay. You can be okay.

Actions: Sleep. Practice gratitude.

#44

Creative tasks: Wrote a song.

What was the warm up? Waking up.

Feelings: wanting to throw up, wired, a bit high (was it the iron tablet?). Did not experience passing of time. It was dark before I thought to eat. Heightened. Left open to feelings of precarity, exposure. I still don't feel safe. Cloistering more than ever. Afraid of people. The outside. Abandonement. Abject isolation. Death. I don't know when a panic attack means: "This is not good for you. You agreed out of obligation, not kusang." vs. "All of this is just fear. Everything you want is on the other side."

Reminders:

Don't call straight after songwriting. Cool down first. Watch Taskmaster. Reground. Get to 80%.

Actions:

Sleep.
Postpone Saturnian worries until at least next Saturday.

#43

I missed a day yesterday. So it's the 44th day but the 43rd note.

Creative tasks:

Musing.

What was the warm up? Nothing. Existential dread.

Reminders:

For the 5 moments of abject terror, dread, and despair, there were 10 moments - preceeding and succeeding - of tolerable groundedness.

Actions

Sleep
Write a valued actions list
Do a triage routine

#42

Creative tasks:

Learning how to use at a guitar VST plug in
Some lyrics

What was the warm up? Avoiding a conversation.

Reminders:

What's for you will find you.

Actions:

Sleep
Get out of bed

#41

Creative tasks:

- Ummed and ahed about sharing a song

- Hummed into a phone

- Plugged in a riff based on memories of Frankie Valli, Jess Glynne, and Patrick Wolf

What was the warm up? Anxiety. Lots of anxiety. Allowing an outlet from obsessive thoughts.

Reminders:

#40

Creative tasks

- Proofed and recorded a demo of a song

What was the warm up? 1) simply waking up, 2) re-centring after a panic attack.

Reminders:

What's for you will find you. To chase or demand what's not for you is mad.

Actions:

Sleep
Re-learn your sleep

#39

Creative tasks:

- Wrote a song

- Laid out a guide track for piano/vocal

What was the warm up? Going into my crisis document and feeling awful but doing a values exercice. Huh.

Reminders:

You are loved and guided.
Do you want to fulfilled or popular?

Actions:

Attempt sleep
Attempt social

#38

Creative tasks:

- 2 slime tutorials

- Small dramaturgy task

- Play outline

- Contorting brain over lyrics to a bridge

After half a day of immobility, what was the warm up? Was it that I got a very lovely unexpected call? Maybe. That's not replicable. Damn. Maybe it's copresence. Damn.

Reminders:

You are disabled.
You have lots of abilities.

Actions:

Sleep.
Plan copresence.

#37

Actually feeling liked is painful. Like it physically hurts. Like a stabbing in the heart. My nervous system is wired all funny. I think I knew that. But feeling it is a lot. Acknowledging it - not just abstractly - but actually - is a lot. Like too much. Like heaps. Like oof.

Reminders:

You are very much loved. Ew.

Actions:

Practice feeling loved.

#36

Launched.

Moving into a new creative space for myself where things feel extremely amateur. Juvenile. Staying up past bedtime to tinker at some idea or other. Some idea without an artist statement. Some idea without marketing copy. An idea with no collaborators with special skills. Just ideas. I worry because my heart is open. To wounding. I worry because no part of this feels professional. Which means I can't even deceive myself into thinking I'm investing in my material circumstances. I feel like a child too young for labour. Who then also suddenly has responsibilities. I don't know how to protect the child. But I know I need to. As a friend reminded me - things can be both.

Reminders:

Things can be both.

Actions:

Sleep.
Wake with a smile.
Make.

#35

Starting something for myself. Needing to detach expectations.

Reminders:

You are loved.

Actions:

Sleep.
Create.

#34

2 meltdowns

Nothing makes sense

I don't know how to make it make sense

Reminders:

Love is worth it

Actions:

Make it make sense

#33

Bed day.

Reminders:

This is research.

Actions:

Sleep.
Believe in yourself.

#32

Back in compulsions. Not myself. Just in auto-coping. Which feels more real than the realities I'm attempting to reconcile. What the eff is reality.

Reminders:

You're still in PMDD
It was rubbish weather
You're in a particularly sensitive location
You are so incredibly loved
You have proof that you have been a nucleus for a long time.

Actions:

Sleep.

#31

No longer breathing through triggers. Just being triggered.

I'm exhausted.

Reminders:

The intensity is temporary.
Recovery looks really weird. Not 'better' at all.

Actions:

Sleep.
Create.
Believe.

#30

Breathing through triggers. Stay cognisant. You're here. And you're well.

Reminders:

The act of creating is good.

Actions:

Stay with routine.

#29

5 days out from my period, I tell myself I'm the worst person on the planet. I give myself a hundred reasons as to why this must be the case and make it impossible for anyone to argue otherwise. Every argument has a counterargument. Yes. I am the worst. And you thinking otherwise is a symptom of your lack of knowledge or perspective on me.

Reminders:

You are safe. You are safe to create.

Actions:

Stay with the process.

#28

I think maybe artists stay mysterious and refuse articulating their selfhoods to prevent vulnerability hangover. The minute you have the impulse to gauge yourself, to assess and appraise what you create, what you express, you leave yourself open to oblique critique of your articulation rather than earnest critique of the work itself. Egos work harder in the re-articulation. Egos lose more in the re-articulation. Egos stay parallel to enigma. Maybe that's why they do it. I don't know where on the spectrum I am.

Reminders:

Endings are not catastrophes.

Actions:

Centre.
Believe in yourself.

#27

During PMDD, it's so easy to attach mood with circumstance. There's so much to despise about yourself and your situation. So the cycle is easily fuelled. I don't know what needs to be remembered here. Except that you've survived PMDD before and you will again. You're not what your brain tells you you are. What you are is tired, irritable, and stressed.

Reminders:

All of this will feel much less life or death in a few days.

Actions:

Take a bigger dose of meds
Believe in yourself

#26

I don't like endings. I'm not cool about any of it.

They say endings help create meaning. They tell you the shape of where you've been and what's important.

What if in the process of waiting for an ending to make the meaning, I sink my time into endless meaninglessness.

What if in the process of waiting for an ending that will never come, I miss the endings that do.

And have regret follow and haunt me for all of time.

I don't like endings. It's not cool.

Reminders:

You are very loved.
There is no wrong answer.

Actions:

Sleep.
Walk.
Shop.
Cook.
Write.

#25

Careful how you manage your energy. You have 2 hours max of leadership, counselling, or mentorship a day. Use it wisely.

Reminders:

You don't need to hate yourself. a) There is nothing to hate, b) it doesn't feel very good, c) it does nothing. It gives you no opportunity to learn or grow.

Actions:

Protect your time.

#24

All of it is possible. It's all possible.

Reminders:

Time continues to time.

Actions:

Rest.

#23

Making work despite the protestations of material reality.

I protect as though sacred.

How did I find myself in the guts and bowels of industrial bullshit, ameliorating broken systems to have a happier face without protecting my own.

Now is when I fiercely protect.

The space to be and be and be.

And breathe and breathe and breathe.

Reminders:

That which is important will become undeniable. Trust this.

Actions:

Write.
Take breaks.
Write.

#22

Tired from screaming

Tired of screaming

Tired that screaming

Tried to scream and

Tried to dream and

Tired, I dream, and I dream, and I dream and I dream.

Reminders:

You are resilient and safe.

Actions:

Sleep
Supplies
Trust

#21

I love that I get to be in love, that I get to fill my cup, that I get to rest in her eyes, take solace in her smile.

Reminders:

Your are your own leader.
Whatever you're afraid of probably isn't real.
Shakespeare's fucken cool.
So is Hi-5.

Actions:

Conserve.
Continue to create.

#20

Bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed

Reminders:

Is ground is good.

Actions:

Organise my life

#19

Given the satisfying dramaturgy of the week in its unexpected fulfilment of needs vs wants, I pause to consider the compelling nature of Western dramatic form.

But only for a moment.

For now gratitude.

For now fullness.

For now sleep.

Reminders:

You can do the thing.

Actions:

Have a weekend.

#18

Processing too many things at once which are unpublishable.

Suddenly sensitive to energetics

Resistances and resonances

I never knew what people meant by this before

But I'm starting to make clear the fog

Reminders:

You are a nucleus

Actions;

Sleep
Love
Be brave despite discomfort

#17

The inhibitionlessness of sleeplessness

Who knows what well-rested you

Will think.

Reminders:

Your body will be here when you return.

Actions:

Sleep. 🐑

#16

Neuroplasticity is indeed possible after you turn 30

So is pushing yourself through fear

So is finding that chord

So is finding your tell

So is trusting

So is pride

So is life

Reminders:

All of the above.
As all of the below.

Actions:

Ask questions. Lots of questions. Mmm, questions.

#15

I contemplated non-existence early in the morning

And the thought pulsed through my chest as though it itself was going to kill me.

I contemplated non-existence and gave myself a panic attack.

I contemplated the inevitability of non-existence and -

I drenched myself in self-hatred - in abject terrors and failures

I drenched myself in self-loathing and now I sit in the sick of my own tiresome existence.

I spoke to myself in harsh words

I led myself to corners dark

I contemplated non-existence early in the evening and I wanted very much to drown.

Reminders:

You are loved. I know you don't believe it but I'll say it anyway in the hopes that it'll sink deeper into your skull this time.

Actions:

Try to sleep this time.

#14

Sun, laughter,

Walk, water,

Would you rather

Taskmaster

Presence, presence, presence, presence,

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Reminders:

You are capable of making sound decisions
You are capable of following through with said sound decisions

Actions:

Try to rest a little. If not sleep, at least rest. If not rest, at least try.

#13

A friend told me once that as much as I feel I'm on the outside, I'm also a nucleus.

I experimented with the thought today.

Still processing results.

More data required.

Reminders:

The flow is okay. At least in the short term. More data required for long term analysis.

Actions:

Continue.
Resist the urge to shrink.

#12

Up down up down up down up up down up down up

Contentment, trepidation, generosity, disappointment, curiosity, fear, assuredness, love, dread, laughter, need, delight

(January February March April May June July August September October November December)

Dysregulation, Mercury Retrograde, or radical honesty?

Reminders:

Creative delight can come from anywhere
Creative delight can dissapate lingering moods
Creative delight is what you live for

Actions:

Practice gratitude and appreciation for the time you have alone.

#11

For the first time in a while I am observing that I am able to hold myself. There's a grief in it. I suppose I imagine an unpleasant change where perhaps there is none. A painful letting go where perhaps there doesn't need to be. I used to be in the practice of articulating my self for the purpose of applications. I have no such practice now. To attempt it would be awkward and performative. But I wonder a little how future me would articulate their selves.

Reminders:

You are able to flow towards your goals. You can be both.

Actions:

Continue.

#10

I observe a dichotomy between a self that goes with the flow of things and a self that needs to strive and conserve.

The spender and the saver, the follower and the leader, the hunter and the gatherer.

It's a psychic break that occurs at literal doorways.

I've learned to privilege both at different times. To denigrate the other. Today I acknowledge both. Both are me.

Today I tried to go on an educational adventure through consumerist capitalism. It's supposed to help with self-confidence. Whatever confidence I gain in my self-image, I may have lost in my self-control.

Reminders:

When you breathe, the breath and space of the world becomes clearer.

Actions:

Set up a routine for computer-based errands
Set up a 1 hour writing routine

What's the difference between hyperfocus and dissociation.

Didn't do what I intended.

Never do what I intended.

What's the difference between attention to the present and betrayal to the past.

The strangeness of the ADHD brain wherein some strand of time is always ticking beneath the surface, completely unbeknowst to you. Overgrowing in place. And as one strand of time emerges, another submerges for what feels like minutes but could easily be days, weeks, months, years. I feel as though I miss out on 90% of my own life at all times. And that days of full and complete presence are never enough.

Reminders:

You love your life. You must do. Otherwise the passing of time wouldn't hurt so much.
Rest is not a betrayal. Tiredness is a door to a reality that needs to be felt and understood by your overambitious child self. You are human.

Actions:

Rest. Enjoy the day.

A strange day. Dead rabbits. Broken brains. Sacrificing to write. Needing to write. Naysaying.

The familiar urge to check out. And check out. And check out. And check out.

Where Pluto is is where your survival instincts kick in.

Where Chiron is is where it hurts.

Can you please decide who you are, please?

Too many expectations for a Mercury retrograde.

What happens if I surround myself only with those who support me.

Reminders:

Even after the major changes, you still need to honour the minor ones

Actions:

Commit to yourself. You know who you are.

How to lose it in 10 lines:

A person walks into a space

Normalcy ensues

So normal that she begins to watch the normalcy

Like watching a film set in a universe in which she (obviously) does not exist

But there's no one beside her, sitting in old underwear, eating popcorn and laughing at the happenings on the screen

So she watches, looking for other observers

Finding none she panics

She's trapped in the film

In which she does not exist

And normalcy continues to ensue

Reminders:

The ego dies when washing dishes
Exposure is okay
Time passes at breakneck speed and you can't beat it. So join it.

Actions:

Continue.

Day 2: Yoga and walk

Careful your intentions.

Things take as least as long as the time that is allocated, tasks take on the shape of their container.

Presence is a lovely mood altering substance.

Reminders:

You are safe and okay.
Writing time is sacred. It too will take on the shape of its container.

Actions:

Write.

I am too okay too quickly

So okay it's not okay

And now I'm in free fall

Einstein says this is our natural state.

Reminders:

Remember the earth. Its force is what keeps you from the sensation of falling.
Remember it is just a sensation. You are here and haven't gone anywhere.

Actions:

Sleep
Trust

Switched up the environment.

Accessed four (4) supports.

Multi-vegetable frittata.

The peace of upkeep.

Hug dances.

Reminders

You have support.

Actions:

Count your supporters at the end of each day. Be surprised. Practise gratitude.

On the advent of the period:

"Cleaning is fun. Why don't I clean more? Oh yeah, executive dysfunction."

"Why don't I sing and play the piano more? Oh yeah, abject terror."

"What the hell is narcotising dysfuction?"

"Huh, that's weird. Seems I have dropped 321 balls."

"Oh, that's odd. Seems I developed 321 physical symptoms that I haven't noticed until now."

"Dear God, I don't want to be sick. I have been looking forward to this month too long."

"Dear God, please don't let me die. I have too much to live for. "

Reminders:

The intensity always passes.
There is a lot to live for.

Actions:

Sleep.
Stretch.

X Write a PMDD management plan and a crisis plan document

X Interact with 4 people

X Find glasses

X Successfully vent frustrations

Feeling more rubbish than death. Progress. Thanks meds.

I am doing a lot of wanting.

Feeling deserving of the wanting.

I didn't send the message. I didn't write the songs.

Therefore deserving of the wanting.

But I am not in want of anything.

Reminders:

I am loved.
Feeling loved is an active choice. Sometimes you feel most loved by others when you are presently in solitude. When you decide to deliver the words to your heart. And you cry, mourning the gap between the sending and receiving.
There is no one cult or doctrine whose strict obeyance will heal you. Believing there is one is a signal for you to begin to lead yourself.

Actions:

Take your meds.
Trust the process.

30 minutes of screaming

3 hours of crying

3 hours of Drag Race

2 hours of Tik Tok

12 hours of dread. The feeling of being passed slowly through a meat mincer. Shreddedness.

Better if dead, at least then can provide nutrition to maggots, worms, fungi.

Better if dead, at least then no excess resources - electricity, food, taxpayer funded services - ought to be spent from an already dying planet.

Reminders:

that there is love and support waiting for you at the end of the day in the form of silly dances and silly faces
that if this is how you feel >25% of the year, the expectation to function at the same level as others is absurd

Actions:

Practice gratitude. Today I am grateful for tenderness and amongst other things.
Eat, rest, sleep.
Sort through notes from your psych.